On the 1st May 1707, two counties got married. Now one of them is considering divorce. The pros and cons of Scottish Independence are still a matter for debate, but what I want to know is: what about the children? Most of children of the marriage between England and Scotland have long since left their parents, only seeing them every couple of years at the family reunion where they all get together and play sport.

What should be discussed is who gets custody of the children who still live at home: Wales and Northern Ireland. (Yes, I know there’s British Overseas Territories and Crown Dependencies too, but they mainly do their own thing, so I’ll leave them out for now).

Wales is an easy one - they were part of England before the marriage and still are much closer to England than Scotland (both culturally and geographically), it makes sense that they should remain part of England.

The more tricky one is Northern Ireland. It is the delinquent of the family: a drain on whichever country will have them, full of people fighting and home to politicians so bigoted they make American Tea Partyers look like tree-hugging hippies. So, should Scotland be allowed to just cut its ties and leave England to deal with Northern Ireland?

Well, if we followed the marriage analogy, then Scotland wouldn’t be allowed to just leave and drop its responsibilities. So how do we resolve this? Perhaps we should ask the child.

Northern Ireland politics consists of two groups: Catholics and Protestants (they may try to dress it up a bit, but that’s what it boils down to). Catholics don’t want to be tied with Britain because they don’t like the Brits. Protestants want to be part of Britain because of their shared culture and heritage. (Yes, yes, I know I’m trivialising the whole thing). So, how do these opinions fit In with the Scottish Independence debate?

Well, when Catholics say they hate the Brits, they actually mean they don’t really like the English. They actually get on quite well with the Scots. And if you ask the Protestants for examples of culture they share with Britain, they’ll give you examples of Scottish culture - not English. Ever seen Morris dancing in Belfast? No, people would just just laugh at them (or more likely, throw stuff at them knowing Belfast).

It is clear that the North of Ireland has a lot in common with Scotland. More than it has with England, or even arguably, the South of Ireland. The idea of a United Kingdom consisting of England, Wales and Northern Ireland is frankly ludicrous.

So, how about a solution which not only shuts up Alex Salmon and answers the West Lothian question, but also solves the problems in Northern Ireland? A new country consisting of Scotland and Northern Ireland. (Personally, I’d like to also include Donegal, Rockall and possibly one or two counties from the North of England, but we can quabble over the exact boundaries later.)

Any suggestions for a name?